Sunday, June 22, 2008

There Are No Windmills Here

I haven't posted for a long time because a really bad thing happened in my life. My husband died of a bad disease that one in a million people get. He started to leave me about a year before but neither he or I knew what hit him. We never saw it coming, especially him.

For a long time it really bothered me to remember him so helpless and not be able to defend himself. But then how could he? He was like Don Quixote on foot and trying to fight a windmill without his sword.

I have worked my way through and am slowly regaining my sense of self. It's hard when you don't know how to help the helpless. You can only fight to make things right and try to comfort the comfortless. You're Sancho Panza fighting the windmill with a sword made of sand and water. In the end, Don Quixote has forgotten how to make war and just lays down underneath the windmill, falls asleep and dies, and you are left to watching the windmill spin and spin and spin.

I want the world to know, and why I don't know, that time is a healer of pain. You just have to suck it in and live and stop watching that damn windmill go round and round. You have to walk away as fast as you can. You run if you have too. Family and friends help and comfort you but in the end you are the one who goes it alone. Things just happen and we either to face the bad times and embrace the good or crawl into a hole and cover our heads never to be seen again.

I don't blame God for what happened in my life. He would never hurt me or anyone intentionally. If God is love, then he loves us all and lets life live itself out. Sure he can give us an occasional miracle and sometimes it's in a sunset and I love him for every one. I have always thought that he was a mathematician. He would have to be to keep up with everything the way he does. He certainly keeps up with me and I lately I feel like a spoiled child because of the many blessings that I have received in the past few months. I am his child and I will go home again.

I have always loved this little movie. It was great day. My daughter found the perfect shade of purple in a mussel shell on the beach. She chose that color to paint her room and that day we went and found paint samples to match the color of the shell. I saw the room months later and it was the perfect shade of Stinson Beach mussel purple. When she moved, her roommate painted some urban color over our perfect sunset never knowing what she was missing.

It was taken at Stinson Beach, CA during a sunset that my daughter and I started to view down on the beach. It began with light and pale yellow hues, then purple mussel and glowing yellows and reds. I knew that it was really going to be magical when the cloud cover started to turn dark blue with little tips of light on the bottoms of the clouds. Wow!! We got in our car and drove south down the coast to get just the right view.

We did.... and do enjoy the song at the end. There are no windmills here.

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