Monday, August 24, 2009

I Will Melt Before I Reach the Bottom of the Hill

Just when I think that I getting all together, paranoia strikes deep. I look around me and all I can see is change, change and I am not adapting very well, or at least I don't think I am. I am fearful of what is happening in my world and the world around me. I have never liked to move, new semesters in college, new cars, changes in the seasons, changing lanes on the interstate, changing clothes, changing channels on the TV and just about everything except getting my haircut or getting pregnant.

I never realized how much I absolutely feared change until my son and his family came and spent a week with me. He helped me make a dent in my father's storage bin which creates the greatest anxiety you can imagine. My level goes through the roof. I don't want to change anything so I've decided that when I don't want to get rid of something, I just give it to him and then he decides what to do with it. It works and I am slightly relieved and so thankful that he is here to help me get through another @#$%#*#$#@, Uggghhhh, $%#%$ change!!!!

He decided to defrost my freezer which was great, but then he started to rearrange the freezer in my refrigerator and I just couldn't handle the change for whatever reason. I think that he thought I didn't want him to take any of the stuff in either freezer home. I didn't care. Take it all and the quicker the better.

I just didn't want to have to deal with anymore changes in my life because every where I turn things are changing both good and bad. My life, my family, my body, my business, my friends, my government, my house, my yard, my car, my bills, my hair, my teeth, my voice, my finger nails, my pets, my taste in music, my taste in the foods, my personal preferences about so many things, the list is an on-going process that I face every day. The only thing constant in my life is that God is there and he sees all of this. But I think that he even thinks I just need to buck up.

I am not sure how to deal with all of these changes. I am the snowball rolling down the hill, picking up more and more snow, larger and heavier is my load and scared of the speed at which I'm going. I just can't seem to find a place to just roll into. I am up to my neck in alligators and want to be free. I don't want to roll down the hill anymore. I want to stop!

Am I just having a hard time "transitioning?" I hate that word about as much as "finding closure." Reality is that I am the snowball rolling down the hill so fast that I am melting before I ever reach the bottom of the hill. I don't care if I sound like I am whining. It's real to me. I just hope that when I finally stop rolling that I don't hit a wall and explode, devoid of definition.

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